Nicola’s Story

Nicola looks in the mirror and already her facial hair has started to show. Glaring at her chin, where the hairs seem to be most stubborn, she groans.

“Can you just… not,” she says at her reflection.

She gently touches her face and wonders if she’s got enough foundation left to cover it. Deciding against it, she flattens down her skirt and adjusts its height. It’s tighter than usual, but it’s not because she’s gained weight. In fact, she’s been losing weight.

Leaving the bathroom, she grabs her work bag and throws it onto her shoulder. She is already anxious for the day but hopes it won’t be too bad.  

Closing her front door behind her, she locks it and throws her keys into her bag. Avoiding heels like they are the plague, she knows that’s not the end of the world, considering how many steps down it is to get out of her apartment.

As she takes the first step, her neighbor on this floor door swings open and the elderly woman stands in her doorway with the biggest frown.

“Morning, Nicholas.”

“Morning, Janet,” Nicola replies, gritting her teeth so as not to correct her for the hundredth time.”

“You didn’t come over as I asked?” Janet complains, placing her hands on her hips.

“Yes…, sorry.” Nicola laments. “Married to the job. Y’know how it is.”

“You young people,” Janet chuckles, waving Nicola off. “One day, you’ll learn.”

Nicola hasn’t time for her crazy neighbors ranting, so she takes another step forward without appearing to be rude. The last thing she wants to happen is to get into an argument with her about what gender she is.

“Well….,” Nicola smiles politely. “I’ve gotta shoot. I don’t want to be late again.”

“Tsk,” Janet grumbles, holding her sides. “No time for even a short conversation. No wonder you kids are all so lonely.”

“Okay…, Janet,” Nicola rolls her eyes. “Have a nice day.”

“I’ll be cooking lasagna tonight, young man,” Janet says as Nicola takes another step. “There’s a plate for you if you want one.”

“Young lady,” Nicola corrects, looking away to hide a frown.

“Oh….,” Janet fusses in frustration, flapping her hand. “You know I get confused.”

“Bye, Janet.” Nicola brings her bag further up onto her shoulder. “Speak later.”

“Okay. Have a nice day.”

On the bus to the office, the usual looks are followed by the occasional bit of whispering. Nicola assumes they are talking about her being a little tall for a woman. Still, she hopes they are talking about something else for once.

Sitting in an empty seat, Nicola looks out the window and glares at her reflection. It was a hard decision to transition, but six months in, she wonders if things are going to get any easier.

Sitting back in her seat, she crosses her legs and finds it uncomfortable. But with a skirt on, it’s how she feels she must sit to seem proper. Seeing a few faces looking in her direction, Nicola reaches into her phone and pulls it out to distract herself.

No messages, no calls. Her friends absent. Her family distant.

With a shrug of her shoulders, she opens Spotify and plans to lose herself in angry music. However, seconds later, a frantic single mom makes her jump. Fighting with bags and a small child in her arms, the woman basically falls into the seat in a heap of exhaustion.

“Sorry,” she huffs, holding the young boy on her lap. “I hope you don’t mind if we sit here.” The woman turns to give Nicola a smile. As their eyes meet, Nicola sees the woman’s expression change as her first impression is formed.

“Oh,” the woman says with surprise.

“It’s fine,” Nicola replies. “I don’t mind.”

The young child looks in Nicola’s direction and gives her a confused look. Turning to his mother, he tugs on her jacket to ask a question.

“Mommy,” he says loudly but innocently. “Why is that man wearing a skirt? I thought only mommy’s wear skirts...?”

The woman shrieks at the question and gives Nicola a look of anguish. Clearly very uncomfortable, the woman turns her boy away from looking in Nicola’s direction.

“Sorry,” the woman says, nervously smiling. “Kids, huh?” she laughs awkwardly.

“Is he a mommy, too?” the boy asks, turning again to smile at Nicola. “Can boys decide if they want to be a mommy when they grow up?”

Flustered, the mom laughs nervously and, in a panic, gets up from her seat and shuffles her bags and child to the back of the bus. Nicola, unable to hide, can feel everyone staring at her. Lowering her head, she puts in her earphones and turns the volume up as far as it will go.

Upon arriving at work, Nicola already wants to go back to bed. She’d rub her already tired eyes, but having to redo her makeup is the last thing she wants to do.

Approaching her desk, she throws down her bag and slumps into her chair. All elements of grace have already gone out the window. Just as she turns on her computer, her co-worker pops up from the other side of her cubical like a jack in the box.

“Morning,” Harriet, Nicola’s assistant, grins, leaning on the divide between their desks. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Nicola replies as politely as she can, already having had her social battery drained in the first hour of the day.

“Nice skirt,” Harriet continues. “I like that color. Do they do it in a smaller size?”

Nicola knows that Harriet doesn’t mean that in a horrible way. The woman isn’t the brightest. Just mustering a nod, Nicola says nothing more.

“Great job on that presentation the other day, Nic,” Harriet chats idly.

Last week Nicola was asked to do a presentation for an account the company reall wants. It had nothing to do with her department, and she suspects it was a ploy to make the company seem more inclusive than it actually is. Still, it went down rather well once the initial awkwardness was out of the way.

She could also swear the MD from that other company couldn’t take his eyes off her legs. It may have been something she couldn’t stop smiling about that night. Plus, it’s an added bonus when the new big-shot director in the company, Jake, thanks you for a job well done.

“Thanks, hon,” Nicola replies, grabbing her diary from her draw. “Seems I can still mix it up with the boys, huh?”

“Yeah….,” Harriet answers vacantly, then rests her head on the divide between their desks. “Do you miss it?”

Really trying with Harriet, Nicola holds in a sigh and leans back in her chair to look up at the woman who’s unintentionally being a little rude.

“Miss what?” Nicola asks, not even bothering to soften her voice.

Harriet rolls her lips. “Y’know, being one of the guys. I hear you were quite popular around these parts as a guy.”

“All superficial,” Nicola answers, shrugging her shoulder. “You know who your real friends are. Let’s just say that.”

Harriet just makes a few ‘agreeing’ noises before she stands. Tucking hair behind her ear, she looks across the office, and instantly, her focus is taken elsewhere.

“That Jake,” she swoons. “I’d like him to tickle my stomach from the inside—if you know what I mean.”

Nicola smiles at the irony. She thought the locker talk would be a thing of the past when she finally decided to come out as a woman, but it seems cis women talk just as much about sex as the guys do.

“Would you?” Harriet asks, forgetting herself for a moment. Once she remembers she’s talking to Nicola she goes a little red.

“With Jake?” Nicola turns to look in the direction Harriet is looking. She then allows her shoulder to sag, and she lets out a long breath. Since going on HRT, her sex drive has almost been nonexistent. She assumed she’d still be into women, but things have become so muddled in her mind.

“Shhh,” Harriet flaps. “He’s coming over.”

Harriet quickly sits back down at her desk, trying to look busy. However, caught up in thought, Nicola just stares in his direction as he struts towards her so confidently.

His very expensive-looking suit is almost as sharp as his pristinely styled haircut. Nicola can’t imagine ever have putting that much effort into her old male appearance. Shorts and a t-shirt were her comfort zone. A far cry from the blouses and skirts she now wears.

“Ahhh, Nicola, isn’t it?” Jake greets her, holding out his hand for a shake.

Nicole fully rotates her office hair and Jake’s hand is basically in her face. The situation is made even more awkward as Nicola stands with haste, and her wig falls slightly off-center.

“Erm….” Jake clears his throat.

“Thank you, sir,” Nicola grabs hold of his hand and squeezes tight. Years of that old male adage haven’t yet left her routine. A strong, firm handshake is required—well, that’s what her dad always told her, anyway.

“Wow,” Jake recoils slightly as Nicola stands with him eye to eye. “That’s a firm handshake you’ve got there.”

Flustered and extremely embarrassed, Nicola instantly goes into overtly ‘camp’ mode and starts acting very effeminate to compensate. That confuses Jake even more, and he swiftly lets go of her hand.

“Well,” Jake clears his throat again, adjusting his tie. “I was very impressed with how you handled that conference the other morning, Nicola,” Jake then smiles wide. “I’m currently putting a team together to handle that account, and I’d like you to be part of it.”

Nicola’s eyes grow wide with disbelief. The Nakatomi account! That’s big news and to be part of the team that handles the account would be huge. The sort of thing her old male self would be striving for.

“Sir?” Nicola gushes, not sure what else to say. “I’d be honored.” However, she doesn’t stop there with the excitement. Her mouth moves faster than her brain can think.

“I’m your man,” she exclaims, instantly regretting it.

Jake furrows his brow for a moment but wants to remain professional. “Well, yes…,” he replies, beginning to walk away. As he turns and walks off, he stops and looks over his shoulder a few times before speaking. “I’ll erm….,” he mumbles. “I’ll have my PA send over the details later.”

“Thank you,” Nicola says loudly, dying inside from how cringe she is.

As soon as he’s turned the corner, Nicola falls back into her sheet and lets out a long breath. If it wasn’t bad enough that she said something so cringeworthy, Harriet pops up from the divide smiling like the Cheshire cat.

“Wow, that was awkward…,” she giggles.

Nicola swings herself back towards her desk and looks up at Harriet’s smirking face. “I know…,” Nicola huffs. “I’m so awkward these days.”

Harriet shakes her head. “I wasn’t talking about how awkward you are,” she explains. “I was talking about the sexual tension between you two.”

Nicola frowns hard. She doesn’t want to have this conversation with Harriet. It’s the same conversation they always have when a male colleague comes over to speak with her. If it was true, half the office would want a piece.

“Sit down, Harriet. Before you hurt yourself,” Nicola bites back sarcastically.

“Oooo,” Harriet snarks. “Someone’s on their period.”

*****

The rest of the day pretty much goes as normal. Nicola works hard and keeps her head down. Occasionally, she’d pop to the toilets, having to go down to the floor below to use the disabled ones.

Although it’s a little bit of a trek, she doesn’t mind that much. It gives her moments alone. On the plus side, the disabled toilet is barely used, and it gives her ample time to fix her makeup without the scrutiny of the other female employees at the firm.

She’s learning at her own pace, and that’s the best way. It used to be that she’d watch Instagramers for hours for makeup advice. Still, after never being able to achieve the same effortless beauty, Nicola has opted for a ‘wing it’ approach.

However, as the day drew to an end, she finds herself standing in front of the mirror in that same disabled toilet. She looks at the hair on her chin looking even more prominent than it was this morning. Sometimes, she really hates her body.

Reaching into her bag to fetch what little foundation she has left in order to cover her five o’clock shadow, she can hear people talking in the men’s toilets on the other side of the thin walls. She thinks nothing of it at first, but when she hears her name mentioned, a little shiver goes down her spine.

Her morbid curiosity gets the better of her, and she presses her ear up against the cold tiled wall to listen in. One of the two men sounds very familiar. If Nicola had to guess, it’s Kyle. Kyle is someone she used to work with. She was very friendly with him as a guy, but since coming out—things have been frosty.

“Did you hear the news, Harry?” Kyle groans to the other person over the sound of them both urinating.

Nicola doesn’t know a Harry. Maybe he’s new.

“No?” Harry replies.

“Ah, man,” Kyle thumps the wall in clear frustration. “I’ve been busting my ass to get onto Jake’s team, and he’s going with Nicholas from upstairs.”

There’s a silence for a moment as the other man doesn’t reply.

“Nicholas,” Harry repeats impatiently, clarifying to Harry who he means. “The tranny.”

Nicola’s heart sinks. She can believe what she’s hearing, as it’s not the first time she’s overheard someone referring to her as that, but she’s gobsmacked and hurt that it’s coming from Kyle. They used to be really close.

“Oh,” Harry laughs nervously. “I know who you mean. Isn’t she actually well suited for the position?”

“Don’t be stupid, Harry,” Kyle scoffs. “We all know he got that presentation because he’s pretending to be a woman. So typical that me, a regular hard-working guy, is pushed to the side because the company wants to highlight that they hire these basket cases.”

In the past, such hateful words would have made Nicola angry. She would have marched into that toilet and confronted the guy—but these days, it just makes her cry. Even if she wants it or not, she can’t stop herself from tearing up, and that’s exactly what she does.

“I’m so angry!” Kyle thuds the wall again. “To think I used to be friends with that…that…weirdo!”

At this point, Nicola doesn’t want to hear anymore. The only thought on her mind is running away. Going home and hiding under the sheets, never to come out. She wipes at her face, ruining the makeup she’d tried so hard to fix just moments ago.

Taking her ear from the wall, she looks into the mirror and looks upon her reflection with disgust.

“Ugly,” she sobs and lowers her head.

A single tear slides down her cheek and falls from her chin, landing in the sink below her.

It takes a good half an hour before Nicola is ready to come out of the toilet. Her inner demons have been swirling, and it’s taken every ounce of herself to face the word after hearing Kyle’s true feelings towards her.

She steps out of the bathroom and Kyle and Harry are still talking, standing at the water cooler just meters away from the toilet entrances.

Spooked, Nicola keeps her head down and matches for the stairway.

“Hi, Nic,” Kyle greets with a wave like they are best of friends.

Filled with a deep rage, Nicola grits her teeth hard and fights the urge to flip him off. Instead, she glances a smile and quickly scurries for the door to the stairwell. Taking several steps at once, Nicola rushes to the safety of her desk.

She was excited about her big news earlier, but now it seems pointless. No matter what she does, people just don’t want to know her anymore. Not even her family calls or interacts, and that cuts her so incredibly deep.

Slumping at her desk, she can’t stop those tears from well in her eyes. She does her best to hide it and focus on her work, but her mind is so scrambled and, frankly, tired.

As the day draws to an end. Nicola catches the bus home and does her best to hide. It doesn’t help. A few young lads make a few jibes. Trudging back up to her apartment, she can’t wait to take off her bra and get out of the skirt she’s wearing.

Maybe she’ll get some of her old male clothes out and give Nicola a break. It might be easier just to be a guy again.

As she gets to her door, she drops her keys, and it makes quite a racket. As she retrieves them from the floor, her neighbor swings open her door. The blood drains from Nicola’s face. The last thing she wants to do is have another conversation with the old bat that lives across from her.

“Nicola?” Janet says in an almost motherly tone.

“Hello, Janet,” Nicola greets her, trying desperately to stuff her door key into the slot.

“You look rough,” Janet continues. “Aren’t you trying anymore?”

Nicola lets out a long breath and rests the top of her head against her apartment door. “What?” she replies angrily.

“It’s not like being a man,” Janet scolds. “You have to keep up with your hair and makeup throughout the day. Didn’t your mom teach you anything?”

From her toes to the top of her head, Nicola’s body completely tenses up. Her heart rate increases, and her fight-or-flight response goes into overdrive. She feels like she’s snapping, unable to hold it in anymore.

“My MOM!” Nicola shouts, spitting as she speaks. “Doesn’t want anything to do with me! No one does!”

Upset, angry, frustrated, and pissed off, Nicola takes her head off the door and looks back at Janet with sadness plastered across her face. She wanted to look intimidating to the old bat but just ends up crying in front of her.

“So will you just fuck off, you old bitch!” Nicola screams. She then breaks down completely and tries to continue speaking forcefully but ends up just kind of muttering. “J-just l-leave me a-alone!”

Shocked and surprised by Nicola’s outburst, Janet gasps.

“I’m done!” Nicola whines, feeling so very guilty for what she just said to Janet. “I’m so done with all this bullshit!”

Nicola lowers her head and her entire body shakes. Tears fall from her chin and her shoulders bounce as she sobs, standing completely alone. Why can’t people just give her a break!

“Are you finished?” Janet says plainly. She then clicks her fingers and points inside her apartment. “Get in here,” Janet commands. “You’re making a scene.”

Nicola looks up, confused.

“Now, young lady,” Janet snaps her fingers a second time.

Wiping the tears from her eyes, Nicola puts her keys back into her bag and steps tentatively into Janet’s apartment. Instantly, the scent of a home-cooked meal hits, and Nicola is reminded of that warm cozy feeling of home.

“Kitchen,” Janet directs, closing the door behind her. Nicola does what she is told and heads in that direction. It’s not difficult to find as their apartments mirror each other.

As Nicola enters the well-kept and very clean kitchen, she sees two table places on Janet’s dining table.

“How often have I offered you a meal?” Janet asks, standing at the oven as she pulls an over proof dish from it with oven gloves. “Nice to finally have you over.”

Nicola, still very emotional, sniffs back and doesn’t know what to say. It’s most days Janet asks if she wants to join her for dinner. However, it does bring up a question.

“W-why do you o-offer?” Nicola asks, still stuttering as the adrenaline in her body dissipates—leaving her shaky and distressed.

Janet brings the lasagne over to the table and places it between the two table settings. “I know a lonely person when I see one,” Janet explains, gesturing for Nicola to sit down at the table.

Nicola bites her lip hard. She doesn’t want to start crying again, but Janet has hit the nail on the head. She’s never felt so alone and adrift in a world of people who just don’t understand or don’t even bother to try.

So she doesn’t instantly burst into tears, Nicola sits at the table and does her best to flatten down her skirt as she does.

“I know how it feels to be alone,” Janet admits, dishing up two plates of food. “That’s why I offer to make you dinner most nights.” Janet looks into Nicola’s tear-soaked eyes and smiles. “I just want to feel useful… and if me making you some dinner after what was clearly a hard day for you—then I’m happy.”

The food smells incredible. Just like the meals Nicola’s mom used to make as a kid.

“But I thought,” Nicola furrows her brow, “I thought you…..” Unable to finish her thought, Nicola bites down on her lip again to stop herself from crying.

“Thought what, dear?” Janet enquires, sitting opposite

Nicola, fiddling with her fingers, is too nervous to continue talking. It pains her to even bring it up in conversation—that she’s trans. She almost got those same feelings of embarrassment and dread as when she came out to her family.

“Well, dear?”

Nicola looks away. “I’m sorry if having me as a neighbor makes things difficult. I thought you might have a problem with me being trans.”

There’s a silence for a moment as those words echo around the room. It makes Nicola want to get up and leave and never be seen again.

“I guess…,” Janet eventually speaks, cutting her lasagne with her fork. “I guess it’s not something we heard much about in my day.”

Filling her fork, she slowly brings it to her mouth but doesn’t put it in. “It confuses me.” Janet then stuffs the lasagne into her mouth but continues to talk with her mouth full. “I know how hard it is being a working woman, though, young lady.”

Nicola looks up, expecting to see sarcasm in her eyes, but is pleasantly surprised to see the old bat giving her a soft and reassuring smile. “Hard, isn’t it,” Janet continues, swallowing down her mouth full. “The world is still just as scared and confused as it always has been.”

Nicola just nods and picks up her fork to take a bite of the sweet and savory food in front of her.

“Yeah.” Nicola agrees—loading her fork. “It’s been real hard today. Everyone treats me so differently.” Nicola attempts to bring the fork to her mouth, but she’s so deflated by life that she just slumps in her seat. “Sometimes…,” Nicola admits. “Sometimes I’d just rather not get out of bed. That way, I don’t have to try.”

“Are you giving up?” Janet asks plainly.

Nicola shrugs.

“Nothing worth having comes easy, young lady,” Janet cautions. “Just because people are giving you grief, that doesn’t mean you should give up trying to be happy in your own skin—does it?”

Nicola looks up. Tears bubble in her eyes as Janet continues to eat her food and talk.

“Yeah, I might say the wrong thing from time to time,” Janet admits. “I only get maybe a few minutes to speak with you each day, but even I can tell that you’ve grown as a person. So much kinder and gentler than the man you were pretending to be before.”

Tears dribble down Nicola’s face. All those years of being something that she thought people wanted her to be

“Fuck everyone else,” Janet laughs. “If this is what makes you happy, Nicola. Then who cares what other people think. I’m proud of you, and I’m just that silly old crumbly that lives across the hall.”

“Janet…?” Nicola splutters, allowing herself to break down into tears in front of her elderly neighbor.

“Sorry,” Janet says, going red. “I didn’t mean to curse. It’s just us girls—so you can forgive me…”

Nicola beams and the pair giggle together.

“You really think that?” Nicola then asks.

“That you should find happiness?” Janet asks.

“Yes.”

“Before you know it, young lady,” Janet says sternly. “You’ll be old like me. You won’t regret the things you’ve done, but you’ll regret all the things you didn’t do. Nothing worse than looking back on a life half lived. Wondering what might have been or what could have been. I think it’s incredible that you’ve taken such a big decision and this world needs more brave people like you. Not afraid to be who you are in the face of such obstinance.”

Nicola looks at the old woman and can’t help but smile.

“So,” Janet continues, gathering more food on her fork. “Yes, I really do think that. Find your happiness, Nicola. However long it takes. And next time…when life is shoveling shit in your direction.” Janet looks up and gives Nicola a stern look. “Remember I’m here for you and that you’re not the only person who’s alone and desperate for someone to give them a break. Okay…young lady.”

“Deal,” Nicola grins. “Thank you.”

Janet waves her hands in the air. “Sorry, I swore again.”

“Ah fuck it,” Nicola laughs, joining in. “It’s just as girls….right?” Nicola’s face lights up. She’s feeling better already, and it’s all thanks to Janet, of all people. I guess it goes to show you shouldn’t judge people until you know them. No matter what your first impression is.