The Hockey Jersey

Pulling the curtains aside to watch them pull up in the drive, I take a moment to tidy my place. All the empty cans and half-eaten ready meals aren’t exactly the image of stability I’m supposed to be presenting. As the doorbell rings and rings again, I quickly throw away the trash and flatten down my plaid shirt.

“Brian!” Louis yells on the other side of the front door. “Hurry up!”

Giving my reflection a glance in the mirror as I approach the door, I flatten down any stray hairs. Throwing open the door, I give Louis and my daughter the most welcoming smile I could muster. Seeing Louis's sour face was always enough to put me in a bad mood, but I couldn’t show that in front of Piper.

“Wipe that smile off your face,” Louis moans, as she pushes Piper in the back towards me. “I was half expecting your useless ass to have forgotten.”

“Mom…!” Piper complains, as she shrugs her mother off her. “Stop pushing me!”

“Sweety…,” Louis retorts in a condescending tone. “Stop being a brat. Your father here took ages to open the door, now mommies going to be late!”

“Hey Pi!” I say, gently placing my hand on top of her head. “How have you been?”

“Brian!” Louis growls, interrupting my daughter from even saying a word. “DO NOT forget to take her to the hair salon and also pick up her dress for the wedding!”

Giving my ex-wife a dirty look, I reluctantly nod in agreement.

“Bye baby!” Louis cries out as she swiftly opens her car door. “Mommy loves you!”

As I watch Louis stuff herself into her car, I hear Piper let out a long sigh.

Closing the front door behind us, Piper throws her bag down and stomps into the living room. I could tell something was bothering her, but I had no idea how to approach her about it. Since the split, I was really starting to find it hard to know what to talk about with her.

I watch her slump onto the sofa and flick on the TV.

“Want a coffee?” I ask, trying to break the tension.

“No,” she instantly replies.

Getting the hint, I leave the room and make myself a black coffee. Giving her a moment or two to relax, might be the best thing right now. Not having been a teenage girl myself, I guess it must be hard being that age.

With my freshly made black coffee in hand, I take a seat in the armchair in the living room. Piper doesn’t even glance away from the TV.

“Hows….school?” I ask, in the hope of starting a conversation.

“It’s fine,” she answers with disdain.

“Good…good,” I say, sipping my coffee. “Things are good down at the station.”

“Great!” she answers sarcastically, giving me a sideways glance in the process.

With a sip and a roll of my eyes, I get up from my chair. I wasn’t going to get anything out of her, so I felt it was a lost cause for the time being.

I allow the hours to pass and Piper some more time to relax, away from the pressures of her parents. I mean, I really didn’t want to be like her mother. Louis is so controlling and overbearing. Still, I knew we had to get to the salon for a certain time.

“Pi,” I say entering the room. “Get your shoes on, we’ve gotta get you to the salon.”

“No way dad!” she groans, as I turn the TV off. “I hate getting my hair done all frilly. It’s gross!”

“You do….?” I reply confused.

“Yes!” she snaps in reply. “Mom’s already told the hair dresses what she wasn’t my hair to look like. It’s not fair!”

Still a little surprised by her admission, I give her a worried wide-eyed look.

“Pi….,” I say gently. “You’ve got your uncle's wedding this weekend. If we don’t get your hair done, your mom will kill me!”

“Oh fine!” she huffs and folds her arms. “I swear mom controls you even more now!”

“Piper, that’s not fair!” I grumble.

“I will be in the car,” Piper whines, with a flick of her long glossy brown hair.

As I watch her leave the room and then slam the front door behind her, I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty that the breakup may be part of this new attitude she’s found.

Grabbing my keys and coat, I lock up. As I get into the car, Piper purposely looks away from me.

“Baby…?” I ask concerned as the car shudders to life. “Are you ok…?”

“I’m fine!” she replies, turning in her seat to get further from me. “You wouldn’t understand anyway!”

“You’re right there,” I say with a nervous laugh “I don’t understand you at all.”

With the car ride to the saloon being extremely uncomfortable, it’s a relief when we pull up outside the salon. We’ve always taken Piper here. I remember the first time she had her hair cut. Seems such a long time ago now.

Managing to usher her into the saloon, we are then asked to wait on the sofas at the front of the store. We got here slightly earlier than I expected. I think I was compensating for the possibility that Piper would kick-off.

As we sit side by side in silence, I see my daughter fold her arms and let out another long sigh.

“I thought girls of your age are supposed to love getting their hair done…?” I comment.

“Normal girls….,” she replies after rolling her eyes.

Letting out a sigh myself, I lean back in the chair and fold my arms too.

“Piper,” I say, in a lecturing tone. “I don’t understand this attitude of yours. What's going on with you?”

“You won’t understand.” She snaps back.

Leaning towards her, I try my best to put on a big smile.

“Try me….,” I plea. “Your old man might be a big dope, but I still love my little girl.”

Turning her head to give me the sharpest of looks, she quickly turns away again.

“I’m not your little girl!” she barks.

“Well, what are you then?” I ask as I rub my face in frustration.

“I don’t know!” she moans and slaps her hands down on the seat. “I don’t get to think for myself. You and mom are always telling me what to do and how to be!”

“Kiddo…?” I say with a little shock. “What are you saying?”

“Oh come on dad!” she whines and looks up at me with tears in her eyes. “You know how mom is. Now you don’t live with us anymore, she’s even worse. I hate it! I hate you for leaving!”

“Whoooa!” I say with my hands up. “Piper, I know your mom is hard to live with, but that’s who the courts thought it best you should live with.”

Allowing the familiar sad feelings to wash over me, I lower my head. Even though it was the right thing to do, the guilt of breaking up the family was still pretty fresh. Piper had no idea I’d caught Louis cheating on me. I had no intention of telling her that, but it does make me wonder what she’s been told about it.

“I’m sorry dad,” Piper says softly, placing her dainty hand on my knee. “I don’t hate you! I’m just so confused about life. I feel like I have no control of my body or my thoughts or my feelings.”

Placing my large ham hands onto hers, I look into her pretty green eyes.

“It’s ok kiddo,” I say with a smile. “If there’s anything your old man can do to help, you know I will.”

“Let me choose!” she blurts out.

“Sorry..?” I question with a raised eyebrow. “Let you choose what?”

Pushing up close to me, she looks deep into my eyes with a serious expression.

“Let me choose my hairstyle!” she repeats and puts her hands together.

“I’m not so….,”

“Please, dad!” Piper pleas interrupting me. “It’s rare for me to be here without mom and now is my chance to have the hairstyle I want!”

“Ok..okay,” I say trying to calm her down. “You know your mom will kill me for this. I probably won’t be allowed to see you for months if I let you.”

“Please, dad!”

Ever since Piper was born, I couldn’t say stay strong with her looking at me with those big beautiful eyes. I’d also not seen her so animated in a while. This must really mean a lot to her.

“Oh…ok!” I say in agreement. “Tell the hairstylist what you want and I will take the heat.”

“THANKS! Piper screams in my ear as she embraces me tight. “You honestly don’t know how much this means to me!”

“Oh, I think I do,” I reply, giving her a hug back.

Once it is our turn, Piper jumps off the sofa with excitement and starts talking to the hairstylist at a million miles an hour. As much as I couldn’t really hear what she was asking for, I could tell she was excited about it. It was so nice to hear Piper excited about something for once.

Maybe an hour passes, as I wait patiently for Piper. As she comes bounding around the corner, I don’t instantly recognize her.

“What do you think!” she screams with glee, pointing at her now very short, masculine-looking pretty boy hairdo. It kinda looked like she’d copied a boy band's haircut.

My eyes become wide with fear, as I stare at my daughter's decision to cut the majority of her hair off. I knew this was a vital moment for us both. If I reacted badly, it could be bad news.

“Wow….,” I reply, still a little unsure. “It looks…..,”

“Amazing!” she interrupts and bounces over. “I’ve wanted hair like this for years!”

“You have…?” I ask as I give her a smile.

“Totally!” she yells and runs her fingers through her now short hair. “Thank you so much for letting me choose it!”

With that, she bolts over to me and hugs me tighter than ever before. Even though I knew Louis was literally going to kill me, it felt amazing that I’d made my moody daughter so happy.

Paying the bill and getting back into the car, My daughter's demeanor had completely changed. She was so much more talkative and just….happier.

“So….,” I say as we pull up outside the dress shop. “Was it really as simple as you wanted to make your own choices?”

As the car goes quiet, I look over to Piper and she’s grinning at me like an idiot.

“No, that’s not it,” she replies. “But, thank you, dad. You’ve made me happy. I was dreading the ultra-feminine do mom had planned for me, and now I’ve got a style I want.”

“Shall we go get this dress then…?” I say with a smile and wink.

As we both get out of the car, Piper seems distracted.

“Dad….,” she says, looking at a store across the road. “I know I’ve already got you in massive trouble today.”

“What now…?” I ask, pretending to be annoyed but secretly happy we are getting on.

Piper points at a clothing shop across the road then turns her head to give me a wide smile.

“I’ve got some cash from my birthday,” she explains. “I never get to go clothes shopping without mom. Do you mind if I quickly go have a look while you pick up the dress?”

“Sure,” I say with a nod. “Knock yourself out Pi. Meet back at the car in thirty.”

“Cool!” she shouts with a wide smile. “See you in a bit dad! You’re the best!”

Watching her skip across the street in joy, I realize the trouble I’m getting into.

“The best?” I mutter under my breath. “I’m certainly the deadest after allowing you to get a boy's hair cut.”

With a long sigh, I turn and enter the dress shop.

I wasn’t choosing a dress for Piper. Louis has already got one and had the alterations made. It wasn’t long until I was out of the frilly dress store and waiting for Piper in the car.

Scrolling through my phone, I’m interrupted by the sound of the trunk swinging open and being slammed closed.

“Hey!” Piper cheers, as she opens the car door and gets inside. “Sorry to keep you waiting!”

Having to give my daughter a second look, due to her drastic hairstyle change, I give her a thumbs up

“Scared me for a moment kid,” I admit. “Didn’t recognize you with that new hairstyle. Thought you were some random guy getting into my car.”

“A guy…?” she asks with delight as she clicks her seat belt on. “You thought I was a guy…?”

“Don’ take that the wrong way!” I plea, hoping I haven’t upset her.

As much as I expected backlash from the comment, Piper just gets comfortable in her seat and grins like a crazy person. I shake my head and put it down to her being a young hormonal woman. I wasn’t even going to ask why that made her happy.

Traveling back to the house, Piper even started singing along to the tunes on the radio. I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing to make her this happy, but I hoped with all my heart that I didn’t mess it up in some way.

As I open the door to the house, I hang Piper's dress up. That is when I watch her stumble in with several large shopping bags.

“Want some help?”

“Nah, I’m good!” she chirps.

Allowing the heavy bags to fall to the floor, she looks up at me like she wants something. Those big wide eyes demanded more of me.

“Dad,” she says bashfully. “Do you mind if I go try some of this stuff on?”

“Sure…,” I reply as I walk into the kitchen. “I’ve gotta put the food on anyways….,”

Before I even finish talking, Piper has bolted up the stairs.

For the next hour, I hear her jumping about upstairs. I didn’t much care about the noise. It was fantastic having her here with me. I’d cooked an oven pizza with chips. Not the sort of meal Louis wanted me to give her, but seeing as she’s staying here tonight, I didn’t care.

“Piper!” I call out, as I put the pizza out on the coffee table. “Dinners ready!”

As I get comfortable and switch on the game, I hear her come down the stairs. Taking the first bite of pizza, I hear her shuffling around in the other room.

“Piper…,” I groan. “It’s guna get cold and I know your mom doesn’t let you eat this stuff anymore!”

Looking up from the TV, I see Piper standing nervously in the doorway. With an open stance, she’s almost presenting herself to me.

“Do you think these suit me?” She asks nervously and gives me a small twirl.

My immediate reaction was one of shock. Not only did my little girl choose to cut all her hair off today, but she’s gone and brought a man's hockey jersey. It looked like her whole outfit was meant for a guy. So baggy and rather ill-fitting to her shape. She’s also removed all her makeup.

“Pi….?” I say pointing at her new look, confused. “I like the jersey. I had no idea you liked hockey!”

Looking down at her top, she pulls up the team badge to investigate.

“Oh….,” she says with a smirk “Yeah, I’m a huge fan. I never get to watch it though. Mom thinks a girl of my age shouldn’t be interested in sports!”

“There's a game on now!”  I reply, grinning and pointing at the TV. “Luck be had, it seems your team is playing mine!”

Racing over to the sofa, she throws herself next to me and grabs a slice.

“I know!” she answers before stuffing her face. “I’ve been looking forward to watching this with you for weeks!”

Intrigued at this new side of my daughter, I look at her staring intently at the action on the screen.

“Oh have you now….?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. “This is a turn up for the books. I thought you hated things like this.”

Chomping away on a large slice of pizza, Piper swallows then turns to face me with a pleased smile.

“I just say that to please mom,” she laughs and picks up another slice. “When you left…..I started to realize how much I liked it and how much I missed you.”

“You miss me?”

With a mouth full of food, Piper gives me a delightful closed teeth grin.

“I don’t get it…?” I continue with a shake of my head. “The last few times I’ve seen you, you’ve been miserable!”

“Yeah…I know…,” she answers, swallowing down her mouthful. “This is the first time I’ve felt like I can be the real me!”

Reaching for my beer, I bring it to my face.

“The real you?” I question, then take a small sip. “What does that even mean?”

Not really knowing what to expect from her as a response, I’m surprised how quiet it made her. Piper just seemed to freeze on the spot. I could almost see the cogs turning in her brain.

“I’m….,” she finally croaks, clearly nervous. “I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet dad.”

Having another small sip, I give her another raised eyebrow.

“Oh, ok,” I reply, trying my best to not make a big deal out of it. “Well, when you're ready, your old man here for you.”

Turning back to face the TV, I wasn’t expecting Piper to wrap herself around me. She’d jumped across the sofa, just to give me a hug. I wasn’t even sure what I’d done to deserve it, but I wasn’t going to stop her. As she buries her face into my chest, I wrap my arm around her and then gently pat her on the head.

“Thank you….,” she sobs into my chest.

“It’s ok!” I laugh, as she looks up at me with love in those big beautiful eyes. “I’m just not really sure what I’ve done to make you this happy.”

With a complete turn in mood, Piper lets go of me and shuffle back to her seat. She looked so worried and with her hanging her head, I was now really lost to whats going on.

“Talk to me…,” I plea, moving closer to her. “What's going on with you? What's with wanting short hair? What's with dressing like you wanna be a teenage boy..?”

I knew it was risky to ask such probing questions, but I was really worried about her. I got the typical response back. She closed off her body and started hiding away.

“It’s nothing,” she responds with spite. “Stop asking!”

Backing off, I try and give her some space. I’d seen where this route goes before. I question her again and she gets more annoyed. One thing leads to another and she’s stormed off to her room and we don’t talk for the rest of the night. Leaning back into my chair, I take a long sip of my beer.

After a few more sips of beer, Piper breaks the tension and clears her throat.

“I……,” she reluctantly says and then stops. “I think I’m the wrong gender.”

As her words ring around my ears, my mind starts racing. I knew I had to be really careful what I said back.

“Huh….?” I blurt out in panic, with my brain clearly not being fast enough to think of a better response.

As I mentally slap my forehead, I give Piper a quick glance and she’s gone bright red.

“Please don’ hate me!” she says fretting.

Without turning to face her, I reach over and put my hand on her shoulder.

“Why would I hate you..?” I ask calmly, taking another sip of my beer.   “Just explain what you mean about being the wrong gender.”

Still not looking at her, I hear her start breathing heavily. I mean, with what she’s done today, I was starting to put two and two together, but I didn’t want to assume anything.

“I’m a boy dad!” she cries out “I’m a boy……trapped in a girl's body!”

With my eyes growing wide and the enormity of the situation, I start internally panicking. What on earth do you say to your daughter when she’s telling you that? It’s not something I was expecting from her or really knew how to deal with.

As I held my hand on her shoulder, I could feel her shaking with emotions. All I knew was that this was clearly very difficult for her to talk about. I had to try my best to just understand her and how I can help.

“Can you…….,” I say, then pause to think. “Can you explain what you mean so your old dumb dad can understand?”

To my relief, Piper starts perking up. Although I could see her tearing up, she held a smile as she looked at me to speak.

“It's hard to explain,” she admits, wiping tears from her eyes. “I’ve felt like it for ages. I’ve always felt weird compared to other girls. Like I’m a fake, trying to fit in.”

Giving her a smile, I nod in agreement. “Yeah, It is sometimes hard to fit in.”

“No dad,” she grumbles. “It’s not that I’m not making friends, it’s that I don’t feel like I should be doing the things I do.”

A moment of silence passes as we just look at each other, waiting for the other person to speak.

“How about this,” Piper says passionately breaking the silence. “Imagine tomorrow you wake up in my body..”

“Right…..,” I reply, intrigued by what she’s about to say.

“How do you think you’d feel tomorrow…?” she asks but continues talking. “Do you think you’d be happy to have a woman's body? Would you be pleased about having to wear my bras? Would you be wanting to wear make-up and style your long hair?”

“Ermm…” I mumble.

“Would you want to wear my dresses and high heels?” she continues, not allowing me to speak. “How would you feel if everyone started treating you like a pretty little girl? Would you feel good about yourself or would you want to hide away?”

With her looking at me expecting a reply, I anxiously rub my chin and shake my head.

“I guess I wouldn’t want any of those things,” I slowly answer her. “I would….yeah, probably feel very uncomfortable with all the feminine clothing. Having to listen to your mom would be the worst thing!

“Sooo,” she sighs. “Now you’ve imagined what it would be like for you being the wrong gender. Can you imagine if I told you that you would be stuck that way for the rest of your life? How would you feel then?”

“I supposed I’d feel pretty down,” I admit, rubbing my forehead with worry. “I suppose I’d probably try my best to change my body to be more like the gender I should………”

Coming to the stark realization about her behavior, I understood why she wanted the short hair. Why she wanted to buy the hockey jersey.

Throwing open my arms and giving her a reassuring look, I open my eyes wide to my daughter's hidden strife.

“I’d probably cut my hair and buy guys clothing….,” I tell her

As her eyes begin to well up, she shows me once again what she’s wearing and how her hair has been cut.

I throw my arms open to embrace her and support her. Within an instant, Piper throws herself into my arms.

“What am I going to do!?” she whimpers, burring her face into my chest.

“I’m not sure Pi,” I answer, trying my best to comfort her.

As I hold her tight, she sobs a little into my chest. I really didn’t want to stop her. It seemed like she’d been wanting to get this off her chest for a while. Pretty heavy topic for a teenager I suppose. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with the usual teenage stuff and having to deal with feeling like I’m not in the correct body.

Eventually, Piper emerges from my embrace. With a sniff and wipe of her nose, she gives me a small smile.

“You ok kiddo?” I ask softly.

Still wiping the tears from her eyes, she picks up another slice of pizza. Holding it to her mouth, she stops.

“Thank you, dad,” she whimpers. “You don’t know how long that’s been eating away at me inside. I’ve been desperate to tell someone for years. Never did I think you’d understand as you have. I thought you’d be sending me straight to the psych ward.

“No problem Pi……p,” I say, but stop myself.

Piper looks at me expecting me to finish my sentence. I just rub my chin and think about her situation. If it was me trapped in a girls body, I’d hate being called a girls name

“Hey, “ I continue with a big grin. “Would you…..prefer….being called something different to Piper?”

“Actually,” she says confidently. “Yeah, do you mind if you call me Peter from now on?”

“Peter, yeah sure!” I answer, putting my hand up for a high five.

As Peter slaps my hand with enthusiasm, a thought crosses my mind.

“You know….,” I then say, pointing up. “All my old stuff, from when I was growing up, is in boxes in the spare room. I haven’t had time to dump it after the move. You are welcome to go through it all and see if you like anything.”

Peter looks at me with a raised eyebrow. Almost like I’d said something stupid.

“Dad,” he groans. “How old is that stuff. I don’t want to dress like a kid from the seventies!”

“What!?” I instantly laugh at his cheek. “I grew up in the nineties you cheeky little bugger!”

As I playfully push Peter away from me, he starts to giggle.

“You can feel free to wear that horrible frilly dress,” he jokes in reply.

“Well,” I say joking back. “Someone’s going to have to wear it.”

“Mom would kill you!” Peter replies. “Oh …god mom…!”

I watch on as Peter’s joyful mood quickly turns sour.

“You’re worried about what she’s going to say, aren’t you?”  I ask, realizing that she’s a huge hurdle in his life.

“Terrified,” Peter replies, the curls up to hide away again.

“Peter,” I say sternly, causing him to give me his full attention. “If this is what you are meant to be and it brings you happiness, your dad is going to stand behind you one hundred percent!”

“Dad..?” he says with a brightening smile. “Really?”

“You got it, Kid!” I confidently shout, throwing my fist into the air. “Anything my son needs from me, my son gets!”

“I fucking love you, dad!” Peter cries out and throws his arms around me.

“I love you too, son.”